Thoughts of an Oblate

I'm back...

2005-07-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

OK, not that anyone really cares, but I'm back to a point where I can post a little more often. After the school year ended, I took a big break from the world. Except for one week of paid work, I pretty much ignored the rest of the world. I apologize to Xofezura and others who I've been conversing with (although it looks like Xofezura has had the same phenomenon occur).

Anyway, when July came around, I went on several mini-vacations, including a 9 day retreat at the Benedictine monastery where I took my oblate vows. I also visited friends and received a few out-of-town visitors. Actually, right now I'm visiting my daughter for a couple of days.

Next week, I go back to full-time work. I definitely do not have my "stuff" together for this. And I did not get around to all kinds of goals I had set for my summer; getting the flower garden in order, planting a vegetable garden, beginning some finish work on the basement...

But I did read some good books, and I have had some interesting discussions with various people about the direction of Christian ecumenism, the theology of the Holy Spirit, and what kinds of changes may be in store for my Catholic brothers and sisters in light of the election of Pope Benedict XVI. But I'll save those for another day-- which I promise will be soon. Right now, I need to check in with my blogger friends and let them know I'm still alive.

The 5 Things Game

2005-06-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I was tagged by Xofezura (Journey to Scetis) several weeks ago to play the 5 Books game, and I started to do it, but got called away by the end of school. Better late than never. Also, since I'm brand new to blogging, I don't have 5 other people I know to tag. Xofezura got them all. But I will e-mail some other teachers with this. They don't have anything better to do this month.

Total number of books I've owned: Since the age of 8, when I first started a library -- maybe about 1200 - 1500 (it ain't that many, people). I've given away most of those. My current library is only about 250, divided between home and the classroom.

Last book I bought: Translation Nation, by Hector Tobar. I'm just now beginning to read it, looking for insight into Hispanic-American culture to help me as an educator of ESOL students.

Last book I read: The Bishop and the L Train, by Andrew Greeley. OK, I'm a huge mystery buff. I read Greeley, Sue Grafton, and Agatha Christie. It's my way of escaping (and better for my health compared to binge drinking).

5 books that mean a lot to me: That's a hard list. Here are the first five to pop into my head.
Lincoln (Gore Vidal) Best "fictional" treatment of Lincoln I've ever read. I read it about once every 2 years.

A Canticle for Leibowitz (Walter Miller, Jr) Best science fiction book I've ever read, although it's really about man's moral responsibility to his world. The backdrop is a monastery over several hundred years, beginning after a nuclear holocaust.

The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich (William Shirer) I read this book in 6th grade (precocious little squirt, wasn't I?). I knew then I was destined to toil in the dusty stacks of academia.

How Then Shall We Live? (Francis Schaeffer) A very important part of my Christian education. Schaeffer taught me that what we think has vast implications and consequences for our society. Words matter. Ideas matter. Christianity, no matter how mysterious, is also supremely rational and consistent.

The Left Hand of Darkness (Ursala K. LeGuin) The second best science fiction book I've ever read. Themes include isolation, xenophobia, and the yin and yang within ourselves.

Time is on my side...NOT

2005-05-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

One of the big things in Benedictine life is balance. Benedict wrote of the daily duties of a monk in great detail, not so much to direct the monk's life in minutae, but to make it clear that life is not all work, or all prayer, or all lectio. Life includes all of these things, but in moderation.

I have a problem with moderation. When I get engrossed in a good book, I drop everything until I'm finished (fortunately, I'm a fast reader). When I'm hungry, I like to eat until it's all gone or I'm one bite from being sick. Coffee? Let's not even go there.

I'm having a lot of problems these days with prayer. Lauds seems always so hurried. Vespers frequently gets skipped at the end of a busy day. Compline depends on how tired I am. But that is really a problem of discipline. The real problem is balancing all the other things in my life.

Work. Friends. Family. Lectio. Meditation. Relaxation. Church. I seem to have time for about three of those things in any given week. Then I feel guilty for not giving time for the others. Every time I try to schedule this stuff, I feel legalistic. Or an emergency happens, and poof! it's all gone. I'm not sure what to do about this.

From what I can tell, I'm not alone. I keep thinking that the only answer that makes sense is to keep simplifying my life and to make sure I have more uncomitted time. There's a limit to that, however, and it can also be taken to an extreme so that I become a loner.

Anyone have any ideas?

The price of being a parent

2005-05-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

Last motel room in a 50 mile radius of your daughter's college: $150
Renting a storage unit for 4 years worth of books: $170
Gas and oil for a 30 hour round trip: $50
Buying a dolly because you forgot to bring yours: $100
3 square meals for a starving college student: $60
Extra money to make sure she eats after you leave: $100

The chance to be a hero to your daughter one more time and hear her say, "Thank you, Daddy":

Priceless.

While we ramble on...

2005-05-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

This is a poem written by an anonymous child who was interned at Terezin (or Theresienstadt) concentration camp during World War II. Terezin was the "model ghetto" the Nazis used to convince the world that such camps were benign. In reality, it was a way station to Auschwitz. Of the 15,000 children who came to Terezin, only 100 survived.

Birdsong

He doesn't know the world at all
Who stays in his nest and doesn't go out.
He doesn't know what birds know best
Nor what I want to sing about,
That the world is full of loveliness.

When dewdrops sparkle in the grass
And earth's aflood with morning light,
A blackbird sings upon a bush
To greet the dawning after night.
Then I know how fine it is to live.

Hey, try to open up your heart
To beauty; go to the woods some day
And weave a wreath of memory there.
Then if the tears obsure your way
You'll know how wonderful it is
To be alive.

What do you do when community sucks?

2005-05-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

As an oblate, I have promised to live out the Rule of Benedict, "in so far as my circumstances allow." That usually means that our jobs, relationships, and other more-or-less secular constraints on our life force us to look for the spirit of the Rule, rather than the letter. One of those adjustments is in the field of community.

Actually, I have many communities: church, family, work, even this community of bloggers. Right now, I'm having a terrible time with my work community. I always thought this was one of the best group of teachers to work with, and the fact that this was my alma mater made it even more special. I knew it wasn't perfect, but it still seemed special... until this last couple of weeks.

I have a friend that is a good teacher. Maybe not great, but neither am I. But he's different: he's very conservative, he's a bit of a geek (even for a teacher), and he has some chemically-related emotional problems (of which he is aware and gets treated for it). Now it appears he's on the radar of the administrative staff and they want to get rid of him. I'm also finding that there is not a lot of love or loyalty for him from the other members of the faculty.

I'm pretty depressed about it all right now. I thought I knew some of these people, and now it seems like they have no compassion for someone a little different from themselves. Others just don't want to be bothered. I look at my friend, and I know I'm not so very different from him. I've been the geek before, and it feels like s***. I'd still be there but for the grace of God and some fortunate circumstances that put me in a position of some unofficial influence at this school.

Assuming I can help him in some way, I'm still left with the feeling that I can never look at some of these people again without being very angry. This is a real test for me in terms of my commitment to this community and the ability to forgive people. Frankly, I don't know if I'm up to it. Right now, I really don't care; I just want to help my friend.

I'd appreciate any insight.

Being Invisible

2005-05-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that no one has commented on any of my posts (other than the first, and that was another teacher who was teaching me how to blog). I suppose that is to be expected. I haven't really told any of my friends about the site, or if I have, I haven't told them the name of it. I don't really want them to read this with me in mind. And strangers obviously haven't seen the site either. I don't know precisely why; I surf quite a bit several times a week looking for new blog sites to visit. I suppose there is something about my settings that keeps it from coming up on the random surfer of blogger. I also know nothing about the search requirements for this site.

Maybe one of these days I'll figure that out. I'd like to just offer these thoughts for others to see and think about, without seeing me.

Free to be...???

2005-05-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a variety of different things in the last 6 months or so, most of them dealing with the topic of what our purpose is here on earth. Some people say it is reaching out to the poor, some say it is holding true to the traditions of the Church, and others say it is in becoming one with God. There are those who say we have to aggressively evangelize, and those that say we need to elect more Christians to office. And then there are those who say we have to fight and win a culture war, whatever that is. Almost all of them imply that their view is not only the most important, but the only purpose that we have.

Frankly, I'm getting a little tired of all these exclusive statements. Jesus said, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free;... and if you are free, you are free indeed." Free to be what? If we're free, don't we have the freedom to do what seems to be important?

I don't mean that we have the freedom to ignore the clear commands of Jesus. But God tells us through Micah, "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." That leaves a lot of leeway for personal decisions. And I think that is how it should be.

Instead of so many people trying to tell us what we're doing wrong as Christians, let's all just mind our own business, and act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.

Community is not a spectator sport

2005-04-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

Just some thoughts on community that have recently surfaced in my mind:

...I had some difficulty with my room-mate the other night. It wasn't anyone's fault; he had a complaint, it was a bad time to bring it up, and we finally got it resolved, although we were probably both a little dissatisfied with it. But it made me realize that we needed a little more communication, and that even 2 people who aren't married are a community. I decided to take the example of my home monastery and suggested a weekly "chapter meeting" to work out our schedules, meals, special projects, etc. He thought it was a great idea.

...I'm going to Osage Monastery this weekend. We have an oblate meeting on Sunday, but I need a little time for myself before then, so I'm going on Friday. I really appreciate the time I spend with them. And I'm beginning to make some real friendships with the other oblates. Living about 200 miles from everyone else can be a little hard on living in community, but I keep working on it.

...I've been looking at other blogs, and I found one called Journey to Scetis, which is run by a former evangelical who is now a Catholic, and an Orthodox Christian. It's pretty good in that they have some intelligent things to say. I got sucked in on a post that indicated they thought Protestantism was a failure. I disagreed, and am now in the middle of a fascinating debate with the Catholic guy. I hope I'm not being presumtpuous, but I feel I am a part of their community (at least a welcome visitor). I haven't figured out how to show any links on this thing yet, so I'll write out the URL -- www.scetis.blogspot.com

Same ol' same ol'

2005-04-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get tired of praying Compline. Vespers and Lauds use different Psalms every day (on a 2 or 4 week cycle), but Compline is the same thing day after day. I feel faintly ridiculous. It's that evangelical streak in me that says, "that's just formula prayer-- Jesus said not to do that. Gotta be real, gotta be sincere."

But I have to remind myself that being real and sincere have nothing to do with spontaneity or regularity. They have to do with the heart. Besides, the constant repeating of these psalms is like Bible verse memorization -- a real big winner with evangelicals -- in that the meaning gets into our hearsts and begins to change us.

Finally, if I am praying a version of Compline that is also being used by others, then I have the added benefit of entering into community prayer. I believe God wants us to pray more as a community, to get out of our little individual prayer closets from time to time and pray as the Church.

Maybe Compline isn't so bad after all.

Wandering in the Wilderness

2005-04-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of weeks, I have not been at my best. I'm behind on projects at school (I'm a high school teacher), I'm having some very minor difficulties with my room-mate (but which seem to have me out-of-sorts), and my spiritual disciplines are in the toilet.

Most of this is because I'm a procrastinator. I delay too long, then I start to worry and get stressed, which causes me to want to run from my problems, leading to more procrastination-- and so the cycle goes on and on until a crisis hits.

I know the answer is to admit my shortcomings to the appropriate people, and begin again. "Always, we begin again..." But sometimes I'm afraid to do that. At 45, I'm supposed to have all this under control. Instead, I make the same mistakes I made at 25 (or 15).

Of course, if someone else were to describe this problem to me, I would probably let them off the hook by saying that, in God's eyes, we're not even 5 years old, so maybe it's not so inexcusable to keep making the same mistakes. But I don't think I should do the same for myself.

This is not a post that has a profound insight or lesson to impart. It's just the half-way honest moan of a person steeped in his own faults, too afraid to take a leap of faith today.

What the heck is an oblate?

2005-04-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

What is an Oblate? or "oblate," if you are trying to be humble. I've been asked that question about a thousand times in the last year or so. You'd think I would be great at answering it by now, but I'm still having problems explaining it to my own satisfaction, not to speak of other people.

The "vows" of an oblate (not really binding) talk about living the Benedictine/monastic life "in so far as it is possible" for a person's particular situation. But I keep finding that to be pretty vague, and I seem to be constantly reviewing my schedule to see if I am being sufficiently Benedictine or monastic. Rather than a set schedule, I think it means basing my life and my activities around some basic concepts.

First, Benedictine life is about prayer. An oblate has vowed to make prayer central to his/her life. For most, that means praying the Divine Office (or the Liturgy of the Hours, whatever floats your boat). Lauds, Vespers, Compline. It means making it important enough that it is the focus of daily life. Work, meals, and other activities fit amidst prayer, not the other way around.

Benedictine life is about community. Benedict spends a lot of time in his Rule talking about how people are to coexist with each other. You can be very holy if you live alone (although that's not been my experience). But it's a different story when you have to get along with other people who are constantly getting on your very last nerve. I have a room-mate, and even that is a challenge at times (for both of us). How we live with others: at home, work, church, or anywhere else is of supreme importance to a Benedictine.

Benedictine life is about stability. In a society where people constantly change jobs, cities, romantic partners, and friends, living as a Benedictine is a bit of a challenge. It means staying in a rocky marriage. It means not quitting a job because the boss is a jerk. It means trusting that God will make a need to change clear to us, and it means that tradition is not a dirty word.

There's a lot of other stuff, but I'm getting tired of typing. Mostly, being a Benedictine is about recognizing that we live in a Christ-soaked universe (not my phrase; maybe it's de Chardin?), and that our lives should be reflective of that knowledge.

Pax.

My Story

2005-04-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

How does a 45 year old divorced man from the Midwest become a Benedictine oblate? As the old joke goes: very carefully. My journey into the contemplative life has been reached through a meandering and dimly-lit maze of work, family, church, and prayer.
My background is that of an evangelical Christian. I spent many years in both a small holiness-denomination church and a large non-denominational church. I have an enormous number of fond memories of my time in those churches. People, bible-studies, worship; my faith was firmly established by all these things.
But a few years ago, two things began to happen. First, I developed an interest in the monastic heritage of Christianity. Don't ask me why. I just did. I began to read about Francis of Assisi, Anthony of the Desert Fathers, and Thomas Merton. I visited a couple of monasteries. I bored my friends and family with talk of monks and retreats.
The second thing was an equally mysterious dryness in my prayer life and worship. Not that my prayer life was ever anything to get excited about. But this was really getting bad. I couldn't seem to enjoy anything about church or prayer. I finally ended up leaving my church and attending my brother's Lutheran church, just to have something completely new to learn.
In the summer of 2003, I arranged to stay for a week at a small Benedictine monastery near Tulsa. I just wanted a place to think about my life. What I found was the reason for both of these mysterious changes.
I was fascinated by monasticm because I was recognizing the lack of community in my world, even in my church world. I wanted to be a part of a community that went beyond my immediate church, even beyond my time. I was dry in my prayer life because I didn't seem able to express my deepest needs and emotions, and I wasn't hearing God speak back to me.
For a week I felt I was part of a community that was local, yet global. Immediate, yet timeless. The structure of morning and evening prayer, daily Eucharist, set meals, etc., far from being stifling, was a liberating experience in that I felt no pressure to "experience" anything. Finally, the language of Benedictine prayer-- the Psalms-- pierced my soul. My heart beat faster as I chanted the Psalms. And the silence between them made me aware of God's presence. I felt Him listening, smiling, understanding. I began to "hear" His Voice: quiet, calm, comforting.
And so I embarked on a very different journey to get in touch with my contemplative nature. I became an oblate. I began to pray the Daily Offices (at least I try). I began to sit quietly in the presence of God (at least for a few minutes). I began to live a life more geared to simplicity, stability, and humility.
There is no ending to this story, at least not yet. I struggle with all these things. I fight doubts, busyness, anger, misunderstanding, and a variety of other obstacles and sins. I'll no doubt be fighting these things the day I leave this world.
That's my story. I offer it with no morals, advice, or expectations. Feel free to comment if you wish. Or not. If you comment, I may respond. Or not. I have no idea where all this will lead (my life as well as this blog). But for what it's worth: enjoy.

Pax.

Entering the 21st Century

2005-04-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I never thought I'd be blogging. I feel like I'm trying to pass as one of my students. I'm planning on using this blog both as a public journal of my experiences as a Benedictine oblate, and as a place where others can offer their own thoughts and experiences. More later.

Pax.